I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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