Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Randomize
