Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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