woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
