I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
