We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
