There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
