I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
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