I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
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