i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
