Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
