Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
you will always have a special place in my vag
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
