haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
