she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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