THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
