I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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