he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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