You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
