He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
