The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
