My friends, they love my intelligence
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
