Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
