***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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