Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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