last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
