Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
