we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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