he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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