you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
