I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
