guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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