My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
