the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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