TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
only you would photoshop your dick
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
