I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
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