my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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