just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
