Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
