I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
