Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I would fuck him just for his dog
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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