just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
