Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
