She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Randomize
