Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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