her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
