i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Sext me about skeletons
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Randomize
