Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
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