Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
