the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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