if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Randomize
