rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I want to be your penis for a week.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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