we're chasing vodka with high fives
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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