when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
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