i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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