I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
